Gettings Things Off Your Chest - The Beauty of Letting Go

 

Finding Beauty in Freedom 

"1992 is not a year on which I shall look back with undiluted pleasure. In the words of one of my more sympathetic correspondents, it has turned out to be an 'Annus Horribilis'".  Queen Elizabeth II

I would never have imagined it but 2025 turned out to be my Annus Horribilis. It was the year that would shock me the most, shake me the most, break me the most and leave me in the worst possible position and situation. 

However, time has this way of teaching us. And if you really know me, you will know how much respect (and I guess fear) I have for time because time is the most precious gift we will never truly own. 

You all know the story - or most of you know a version of the story, or your interpretation of the version of the story. It came with the territory. 

A couple of days ago, I had an opportunity to do something I kind of feared but that was necessary. I got things of my chest. It was necessary because you can't move forward if you don't free yourself of things that you wanted to get out or had to get out. It's part of the process. 

You have to take what comes to you! 

And so I did, not very bravely but I did. Oh my God, I did - to the extent that no one will even know. I SUFFERED. Wounds were inflicted before and after a robbery on an idle Tuesday afternoon - an incident that will not go down in history but an incident that unlocked a Pandora's box. I have been mugged before but this time it was so different. It's almost like time froze and all energy was drained from and replaced with a deep rooted sense of fear. I was feeling helpless in the weeks and months before. (You see, there was a plan and I knew about it but I could not or would not do anything to stop it!) 

In the moment and the minutes after that, I suddenly realised: I have no one. During the past 7 years, I had fooled myself that I had this family - a family I was truly devoted to. Guess what, the joke was on me. But I really gave my whole heart with the very best intentions. The good thing about all of this is that it made me realise that we come into this world alone and we leave alone. That does not mean I don't appreciate all the wonderful humans who stood by me during this catastrophic storm in my life. 

The Playbook 

There was a playbook. I saw it over and over again. I even helped to write parts of it. No wait, I am not ruthless enough. At best, I edited parts. And then I became a chapter in the playbook. End of story. 

The things I realised that I had to get off my chest: 

• I don't like being "dressed down" in front of people and I also don't think it should be something that happens in a professional environment. It builds up a lot of resentment and anger, like a volcano. But I also never spoke up. I just took it and it let it build up. 
• Volcanoes erupt. And I can give it back as hard and much, much harder than I got it. After all, I am an "honest bitch". 
• The lack of safety was something I felt from Day 1 right until the end because of a certain piece of information that came to light. 
• I realised that I really dislike big promises, especially empty ones. Maybe because I hold myself accountable in such a strict way. I laughed them off but I guess they ended up being major subconscious red flags. 
• I lacked the ability to communicate what I did not like or appreciate because you should never show weakness apparently. That made me lash out - often privately, and at times when I felt there were too many knives, PUBLICLY. And that is never the right thing to do and I will continue to apologise for that. 
• Weakness. I have never had the luxury of being weak for too long because since I can remember I have had to be strong. I had no other choice. But I also have a heart and yes I have many moments of weakness... especially as I grow older. The weakness was held against me. 
• I hate mind games. I don't play with people and I don't want them to play with me. Mind games never even occurred to me until it something was said to me. I brushed it off as a passing comment. But I hindsight is a wonderful and powerful things. Again, I hate mind games. 
• I made many mistakes and I will own up to them. Sometimes not at first but eventually I can. But I also did many good things. I will never believe it is right to highlight mistakes and use them as weapons but the good is always swotted away, diminished. 
• I am competitive but I don't compete for silly things. Lord, it really became something I felt was ridiculous. 
• It's not mine. Oh gosh I was acutely aware. Yet it was reverberated way too often. Dismissive for sure, meant to sting for sure. But I also know, I did everything because I wanted to do my very best. 
• I don't love being made to feel bad over things I explained over and over. My three times yes strategy was not that successful in the end. But it was also just part of the overall playbook MO. 
• I feel very strong resentment about the lack of respect and the lack of time to process the shock of May 2023, the burden that came it and the lack of time to mourn and grieve. But I have had plenty of time this year to do it. 
• I walked away from everything and almost everyone on a whim. It was me. It was not sensible at all. But I did not want to be an exact copy of every other chapter in that book. 
• Everything has to be commercialised and profit must be made. That's how the world works and that is something we can't escape. But there are lines. Health and wellbeing comes first. It was with a bang that I realised I must not kill myself against medical advice. And if my life and my wellbeing does not matter in the greater scheme of things, it must still matter to me. 
• Kindness and empathy go a long way. And very often people pretend to have it to look good. But bts they are brutally calculated and everything they do or project that looks so cute has a dark, self-serving purpose. History books tell us that too. 
• There's a life cycle to everything. And I was like ok bye. But I don't deserve a life sentence. I did not murder anyone. And we will all face life cycles. Don't be to happy about someone else's ending. Yours might be worse. 
• I am proud that I can separate business from personal matters. And I can respect both. I can accept both and I can understand both. And I can appreciate and value the good in people when they have good hearts. 
• I am better off without a fake family (gosh I wish these it would not be used anymore because it's so untrue) and I am EXTREMELY content for the good friends I have. And I am the most grateful for the person who saved - which many people don't even know about because that's their nature, the most unexpected but also the most caring and definitely one of the most important people in my life. I will always be a loyal supporter of this human. And I am thankful for all the other amazing humans. 

So yes, I learned a lot this year and I had to get a lot off my chest so I can leave it behind. AND IT IS NOT DIRECTED AT ANYONE IN PARTICULAR. It's mostly about myself because we should not judge anyone, regardless of their intentions, we should only judge ourselves and hold ourselves accountable. 

Why is it important to get things off your chest? Because they become too heavy to carry. It took me a damn long time but I dumped them all. And, yes, even if they fall on deaf ears or ears that only want to hear what they want to hear and will always choose to hear what they want to feel ok. That's also part of human nature. 

Again, I remind myself of the late Queen's words: Recollections may vary. I totally accept that and I can also see the two other sides of the story. Yes, they have three sides. 

So as 2025 draws to a close, I dumped it verbally and now I dumped it in writing, knowing that almost no one will take the time to read it but if there's one or two people who can draw lessons from my mistakes or FAILures. (Remember you have the wrong interpretation of FAIL it's First Ateempt At Learning) 

And every day I remind myself that I must take what comes to me. But this does not apply to me and God does not sleep. It's something that applies to all of us and we all have our turn to to take what comes to us... good or bad. 

For the most part (almost 95-98%), there are no hard feelings. Very powerful lessons for me, a chance to reflect, a chance to reevaluate. And it always had/have to be the hard way. Finally I can say... I don't want to be part of it. But also I will not only let anyone play God with my life - I only accept it from the real God. Just because I don't want to be part of that does not mean I don't want to be part of this. 

And today I can say: I FEEL FREE. I WALK AWAY CARRYING MY VICTORIES, MY CONTRIBUTIONS, MY MISTAKES, MY SHAME. MAYBE AT THE COST OF MY DIGNITY BUT NOT MY INTEGRITY! I AM GRATEFUL. I THINK IT'S BEAUTIFUL TO GET THINGS OFF YOUR CHEST. I THINK IT IS BEAUTIFUL TO LET GO AND LET GOD! AND I THINK DOING THE RIGHT THING IS BEAUTIFUL AND I THINK MAKING THINGS RIGHT WITH THE PEOPLE WHO TRULY MATTER IS BEAUTIFUL AND NECESSARY. 

I have so much to learn and so much to grow but I am always going to try to be better. I have an equal amount of respect (perhaps) envy for people who always put themselves first. It just makes life so much easier. But still my heart years towards service and duty. Even when I have to dig myself out of the Mariana Trench of holes that I have been in. 

For now, I am ready to say good bye to my Annus Horribilis! And I am ready to continue taking everything that comes to me!